When nobody hears your voice

Hey there,
My name is Henni and today I want to talk about things that are left unsaid.

Maybe you know the feeling of just keep your mouth shut when it shouldn’t be. You are too shy would most of the people say who don’t know you. In your head and I can only assume what my mind bears. Walking through the manifold books of my library there are so many situations I kept shut because I didn’t want to hurt someone or give them a chance to method to me like this.

On thawing grudge is the result of this. Not for my counterpart but for myself. In some rare cases I have the grudge for my vis-a-vis but mostly for myself.

When do I find the braveness to say what I really feel? Deeper feelings and not a superficial talk about the current circumstances we live in. It’s so weird to see how my mouth forms words of bullshit while thinking forms another universe.

Nobody hears your voice because when yourself does not acknowledge your own thoughts and feelings how should the others do so. It’s obviously logical that the words won’t be said if you don’t plan to say them. In a way it’s a synonym for the things that hold us back and are not done in our life. May it be anxiety, money, or just a person inside you telling you that you can’t.

I wish you an awesome day,
Your Henni

Ps. I hope my new articles will be full written. Until then.
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Back to the future

Hey there,

my name is Henni and today I want to talk about the feeling of nostalgia. When I think back to my childhood there is some decent stuff and also some things that I don’t even remember and I am kind a happy about this. So when thinking about the past what is the reason for doing so?

Remembering old things is because we were happy in those times. When you think of a happy relationship. What are the most remembered parts of it? The happy ones. Oh that’s not true you may say. Yes of course not. The things we mostly remember are the things that burn into our souls and never let go. I’m not talking about the bad neither the good’ol days darlings. No only about that shit that sticking out events in our lives. That’s nothing new you may say but today it occurred to me and that was not the first time the recall got me back.

It wasn’t everything fine in my childhood. Maybe I realise it now when I am 21. Yes I am socially disturbed. I don’t know why. Happenings happened and they burned into me like a glowing nail piled into butter. I melted and was deformed and now I am what formed me. A ball of the shifts my life had for me now in my starting twenties. Maybe I will look back like I do now and think:

Hey, wooow, that stuff in the twenties was some decent shit. Yeah, hopefully I will never look down to myself like that ever again.

Whatever will happen in my thirties this is what is now. I am not truly happy about the conjunctures I am currently living in nor am I that sad to say I want to end it the bad way ( like many blogs I have read in my bad years do ). Today I collect some broken pieces of mine and try to figure out why I have changed like I have changed. Maybe it’s wrong to recognize this at 23 pm here in Germany but that’s ok. The day tommorow will be a new Wednesday. New changes, new things to explore. So why not doing so?

Let the old stuff behind and begin to understand why I am on this earth. Is there a greater purpose that I don’t understand now? I don’t think so. The greatest purpose in life one can ever make is to believe in him or herself and form the bulk of life he was gifted with to be happy. That’s in some way part of my sense of life.

Thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. I wish you an awesome day.

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Short Words: Social drugs

Hey there,

today I want to use this as my personal diary. It’s weird to do this, because I always said that the social networks are not that worthy as many of us might think. Here I am doing what I never wanted to but the situation doesn’t left the space for me. I really have to get it out that way and hopefully someone will answer me who I don’t even know.

The day today was such horror. Never have bored myself to death like this. I haven’t done anything more useless. My Mac killed itself, I tried to revive him in hope my work is not lost. But that’s not the best part. After an erasure of my head I felt totally dizzy. It was not always like this but today I am so fucking dizzy that my thoughts are the ones of a drug addict.

So what am I thinking now? Loneliness, anxiety or other of those so often topics all talk about.  Especially in the age between 13 to 20. How can it be I am still in a progress like this and write a blog about my inner feelings? Weird. So fucking weird but the words keep flowing out of my keyboard like they are the unsaid words I never dare to say when the situation needs to. The calls to therapists did not work. An older love helped me and she seemed to be so annoyed by my habits. Why did I go to her to let her help me? I am really thankful that she pushed me to do things like this and I am really sorry I was so out of my mind on this day. Don’t know what to say but today is a darker day in my life and I have to write about it. Whether someone will read it or not. No one has to worry about me. Please all of you have to live your lives. What keeps me back of doing as well?

I did not went to school because of the mind saying that all I have done till now is totally worthless. A fucking worthless live of shit. I have a living standard with all the social and electronic things included. But there is so much missing I can not simply enjoy. Like having a drink with friends or partying. These are my 20s and I should do more than sitting in my room like a grandpa and watching out the window. In my case it’s the Computer that is kind like this. What have I done or not done in my former youth and I know that I am 21 now and still in my youth. My teenager years are coined by social isolation like this one I am suffering in right now. So can anyone please explain me or say that she or he is going through the same fucking stuff like me? I am kind of dissapointed of alle the things that are happening right now because there are no things happening right now.

My soul cries for help but my body just can’t help and my head as well. When I want to call all those people I met and want to talk to there is no one I can really talk to. A friend of mine is partly suffering the same things. Only to those people you can talk properly. And what the fuck is a leptosome type? A german psychatrist called Ernst Kretschmer said that there are four constitutional types based on the body the perons have got. In my type its the leptosome one. I am very narrow and my chin is strongly molded. My breast is complanate and my head is also narrow. So what does that say about me?

Today I got the headache of my time.

Whatever i had to Write this down.

I wish you an awesome day.

Your Henni s

Desolation in the crowd

Hey there,

my name is Henni and today I want to talk about a feeling I had on monday this week. Me and a friend of mine went shopping for some trousers and shirts. Even though we visited many stores I could not concentrate myself on the mission. It was like I wasn’t there. Like being in another dimension but was hold in a body searching for some blue jeans.

It’s a strange feeling and I hope no one of you has this. Most likely many of you fall into daydreams and have to be awaken. So we went on and my friend asked me out of a sudden: “We don’t have to go through the stores if you don’t want to. Or do you?”

It hit me like a minitruck ( had not such an impact because it was only a daydream and not an emotional state of mine of which I was ripped out.

The feeling of not truly being there is awful. When you are woken up it’s like being raised out of a warm bath where everything was smooth and soft. The real world feels too sharp too real to perceive. However the world clock ticks and ticks merciless and I’m hanging on one pointer threatened to fall off when it’s half o’clock.

Did you ever had a feeling of not quite getting the grip of a situation you were in? How did you fell afterwards? Let me know in the comments. 🙂

I wish you an awesome day,

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The white paper

Hey there,

my name is Henni and today I wanna talk about the anxiety of the blank page. I know the feeling. You sit down and want to write, draw, paint or do whatever your creative mind wants to throw out into the space.

Maybe you suffer under the same problems as I do. The page doesn’t fill itself and the ideas won’t come. So what’s the problem with this progress?

You think you don’t have ideas. And they won’t be coming if you don’t try to do something stupid. The stupid things are only stupid because we have no scientific or moral explanation for the behaviour of a person.  But when you can see the aim of this you can understand what lays beyond.

So give yourself a try to be crazy and don’t over think everything you will do. Just give it a try. No idea can be crazy enough to fill the blank pages. Maybe you get inspired by yourself. That’s the best case that can happen. At least you have fun like a kindergarten child. ^^

An exercise to boost your creativity:

Write down five words you associate with a random or chosen word. Whatever it is. It doesn’t matter. Even if it’s cruel, ridiculous, stupid, insane, egocentric… And based on these 5 you can build another 5. So you’ll soon get a great mass of ideas and words. May your inspiration flow. Have fun! 😉

I wish you an awesome day,

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Bang Bang

Hey there,

my name is Henni and today I want to talk about the fall in love. Many films deal with the topic of love and especially romantic films. They are watched with your fiancé or with yourself and a bit pack of icecreme (only to fulfill the cliche).
Whatever it is we long for that feeling to be loved and be cared for. Humans are social beings who need to interact and show their feelings. Even men need to do this although many think it’s totally unmanly to do so.
For myself I have to state that I really love falling in love. In many cases i do this mostly too early because of my social problems and deficiency but that’s me. I’m a person who falls in love very fast and let the heart speak out what the mind cannot say.
It’s like being hit by a car frontal and you can’t even react to that thing. Like a deer staring into the light cones.
Blood pumps faster and faster and the eyes are fixed. Nearly like a drug addict you can’t think of anything else.

I really wish you the best and that you will find the love of your life. And if you already have found a special someone for you I’m really happy for you.

Those nights and days strolling with two hearts beating near.
No fear shall tear apart the promise we make.
For the loneliest days and moments of sorrow.
I can borrow you and hope for your help.
There is light at the end of the night and it’s called love.

Bang bang. Amor has completed the mission.

I wish you an awesome day,

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With the grasp of a hand

Hey there,

when was the last time you really felt the tight grasp of a beloved person? In my special case it’s about 4 weeks past. The circumstances were different compared to a love attachment. Strange word. Just googled it to be sure I’m not talking shit.

So then the “relationship” only went on for about two weeks and we loved and had some real nice moments together and even though I wore rose-colored glasses it felt special and also the grasp of her hands on my palms and even more in my heart. Today nothing special is happening. I am writing in this blog chilling on my couch eating some shit and trying to get things right in my head concerning relationships.

After the 2 weeks I was truly depressed, didn’t eat for about 2 days and did not go to school. It was a terrible feeling. Now that I mostly got over it I feel lonley as fuck. The computer does not say your good or gives you smiles when you caress his keyboard with your dirty hands. Music heals tiny inner wounds in repainting those surfaces.

In those times a simple touch can change everything. A gaze can warm your veins and give you strength to carry your life on and keep the wheel on turning. What if you can’t afford such a helping hand? In my case I try to get out with people that I barely even know. It sounds strange but I can get abstracted by those strangers. Even though we don’t share that much we care in some cases. We care about the person that stands right in front of us. Not in an emotional deeper way than a friend but when talking to a person or just giving a hug when we get to know them. So don’t deny a hug because it is a sophisticated social thing. Waitresses get even more tips when just touching the shoulder of a customer and I thing we in our society have unlearned to get in touch with people. Social media is conducive to this thing some may say. It depends on the social estate of a person how it changes life to use social media or technology.

So what does a grasp change? It can change everything. A day, a moment, a second, a week, a month, a year, a lifetime.

I wish you an awesome day,

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Riding a bicycle

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

Albert Einstein

Hey there,

what are those things called chances? Yesterday I went to a party waiting for a friend to get with her other friends in the club. I waited for about half an hour and then I went back home because I got the feeling of being alone and my heart began to race. Maybe it was some kind of a panic attack but I don’t really know. Never had such a thing I think. My former doctor never diagnosed this. I am searching for another therapist who can discover with me the dark shadows that lay on my past and are influencing my present.

The importance of this happening to me is immense. After the impact of waiting lonely with no other person in front of the club I talked to a friend of mine on the phone for about 3 hours. What let’s me feel good and what not. Sometimes we don’t use chances because we are held back by some keen emotions and commemorations. We are influenced by the social impact we got in our whole lifetime and with this melt pot of thoughts, experiences we try to master the way of life.

So what does Einstein want to say with this quote? In my opinion and you don’t have to agree with that he could have wanted to remind us that we decide in which way our life has to go. We have to decide. There is this free will of ours and the more or less great possibilities in life that we can pursue. But we have to take the chances and be true to ourself. In my belief and that is what I am learning now in days like these is that when you know what you want and stay to your right you can achieve real happiness. Whatever it takes ask yourself what makes yourself happy and do those things you got in mind. And if you don’t really know what would make yourself happy try something out that you think of could make you happy.

I wish you an awesome day,

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Talking heals the world

Hey there,

today I wanna talk about the immense impact a little tattle can have on the relationship to another person. Sometimes there are aspects in the correlation you got with a person but there are things unsaid. Things that keep you quiet and you think you have to behave strong or not that natural in front of that person as you’d like to be.

We reason for this particular feeling is that you got anxiety. You won’t show your feelings because it makes you vulnerable or maybe the person gets another picture of you. In most cases these unsaid things block the most wonderful part of a relationship. Truth and adjacency. These things are only achieved by the hazard of getting yourself straight in a particular situation to this person.

Talk truth about a thing you really feel and you’ll get the answer. It’s hard to see but if you get into this dangerous field maybe you’ll win even more.

Are you afraid of showing your real self in front of a person? Are there unsaid things you just can’t say but are disturbing your relationship? Write it into the comments. ^^

I wish you an awesome day,

Your Henni

One thing at a time

Hey there,
Todays topic is something that many of you maybe do or not do intentionally. Procrastination.

We all got things to do and really want to do them well. But sometimes we get so distracted by other things that seem more interesting or important to us that we forget about the formerly mission.

I get hold back by many things and distracted easily. Sometimes i feel very depressed about it and fear that I could hit redundancy and die on the streets. That’s just the worst and I really hope no one of you will hit this stage in your life of becoming homeless. Here in Germany we got a social network that catches nearly everyone. Even those who cannot work anymore and are hit by a hard depression. I know that this is not the case in every country and I’m really happy that I can live here in Germany.

The main reason i am talking about procrastination is because i am trying to get a grip of the tasks that are offered to me. Like do a scribble of that, render this and take a photo of that. The importance of doing one thing after another in such harsh times of being everywhere is that you are just one person at a time.

When I eat, I eat. When I sit, I sit.

This can be said for nearly everything. Of course you should make plans. But when you work on something, do it right and don’t get distracted by those many other possibilities.

Have an awesome day,

Your Henni

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