Karaoke Love

Hey there,

today i want to talk about a topic that i avoided a long time ago or maybe not recognized it as a real problem to myself. The social anxiety disorder.

It is characterized by intense fear in one or more social situations,causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life. (Wikipedia, 2014)

So what is it all about and why is the title of this article called karaoke love? I can answer to those questions but first i have to talk about the past so maybe the present is more plausable. In my memory it all started in my teenager years. Somehow i was not able to get a grip of the greater groups. Maybe it was because i quitted sports or maybe because i just isolated more provoked by an inner fear that the person i spoke to just badmouthed me afterwards. With every single move i took or word i spoke the feeling got stronger. And so the virtual reality became a part of me. Not that i really got used to it. I played games like World of Warcraft and stuff but never really did it with an real aim. It felt good to have something to do. I forgot how to live outside of the box. To explore the world and have fun doing so. So now every day i lived where quite similar to each other.

 

Coming home from school starting the computer and having some “fun” in another dimension that was invented by other people. As years past by i lost more and more contact to my friends who could’nt understand why i quit the contact to them. When i think of my own reaction in those days it’s like talking about a deer staring into the light cones of an accommodating car. I felt quite unwell talking to my friends. In those days i had some male friends and before i started to ask myself if i’m worthy to talk to them i really had fun doing some activities with them. The social isolation culminated in a suicide attempt which i survived.

Back to the title. It’s called karaoke love because yesterday I was out with a girl in an irish pub. We met before on a pub crawl the week before and we said we could meet the week after. The conversation was’nt that fluid because the days before i suffered in loneliness which I really can’t defy now. When I think of this loneliness I just want to get noticed and maybe need love or something like this. It’s hard to explain this feeling. But we talked about some nerdy stuff like cellphones and videogames and music. At quarter past nine the karaoke started. On this I sang about 5 songs in front of a crowd of about 300 people which filled the bar. The first songs my left leg was shaking like hell because i were that nervous. After a few beers my anxiety left me more and more and I talked more with her and people we met from another meeting we had in the past.

The evening went on and on and so it soon was 1am in the morning. The girl left the bar and I followed because I met with her and thought it would be nice to bring her home. Not to have a kiss or something like this. That’s also another story of which I could write a book about. So then I said to our groups that i would also like to go home and felt some kind of embarrassed due to the fact that it seemed like I would like to go home with that girl and have sex or something like that. It’s always the same with these thoughts. They overtake me and give me a bad feeling about my own behaviour. However these thoughts about my behaviour affect my attitude. It’s kind of a vicious circle I felt in.

Those situation happen so often that I decided to continue my therapy to get rid of this curious disease I got when I come to certain social interactions.

Wish you the best. Have a nice day sis and bros!

Your Henni

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