today I want to use this as my personal diary. It’s weird to do this, because I always said that the social networks are not that worthy as many of us might think. Here I am doing what I never wanted to but the situation doesn’t left the space for me. I really have to get it out that way and hopefully someone will answer me who I don’t even know.
The day today was such horror. Never have bored myself to death like this. I haven’t done anything more useless. My Mac killed itself, I tried to revive him in hope my work is not lost. But that’s not the best part. After an erasure of my head I felt totally dizzy. It was not always like this but today I am so fucking dizzy that my thoughts are the ones of a drug addict.
So what am I thinking now? Loneliness, anxiety or other of those so often topics all talk about. Especially in the age between 13 to 20. How can it be I am still in a progress like this and write a blog about my inner feelings? Weird. So fucking weird but the words keep flowing out of my keyboard like they are the unsaid words I never dare to say when the situation needs to. The calls to therapists did not work. An older love helped me and she seemed to be so annoyed by my habits. Why did I go to her to let her help me? I am really thankful that she pushed me to do things like this and I am really sorry I was so out of my mind on this day. Don’t know what to say but today is a darker day in my life and I have to write about it. Whether someone will read it or not. No one has to worry about me. Please all of you have to live your lives. What keeps me back of doing as well?
I did not went to school because of the mind saying that all I have done till now is totally worthless. A fucking worthless live of shit. I have a living standard with all the social and electronic things included. But there is so much missing I can not simply enjoy. Like having a drink with friends or partying. These are my 20s and I should do more than sitting in my room like a grandpa and watching out the window. In my case it’s the Computer that is kind like this. What have I done or not done in my former youth and I know that I am 21 now and still in my youth. My teenager years are coined by social isolation like this one I am suffering in right now. So can anyone please explain me or say that she or he is going through the same fucking stuff like me? I am kind of dissapointed of alle the things that are happening right now because there are no things happening right now.
My soul cries for help but my body just can’t help and my head as well. When I want to call all those people I met and want to talk to there is no one I can really talk to. A friend of mine is partly suffering the same things. Only to those people you can talk properly. And what the fuck is a leptosome type? A german psychatrist called Ernst Kretschmer said that there are four constitutional types based on the body the perons have got. In my type its the leptosome one. I am very narrow and my chin is strongly molded. My breast is complanate and my head is also narrow. So what does that say about me?
Today I got the headache of my time.
Whatever i had to Write this down.
I wish you an awesome day.
Your Henni s